What Every Relationship Must Have: Part 4 In a Series by Somerset NJ Counselor Marty Tashman

The Fourth Key

A spin-off of making your partner feel worthwhile and another key element in making relationships work, is that verbal exchanges are non-judgmental. A judgmental type of communication often occurs when one partner is feeling hurt or angry.   When we feel negatively judged by our significant other we feel diminished and devalued and the result is a defensive or passive aggressive response.   We then stop listening and the argument/bad feelings are no longer about the original subject of discussion but are about "ego repair".   We are really focused on trying to feel better about ourselves.   These are the difficult times because negative statements cannot be taken back, even if we make an apology. It can take a great deal of repair work to fix the damage done by disparaging "ego" statements.
 
Remember, the mission of relationships/marriage is to make us feel good about ourselves.
Ego repair can be an extremely difficult task and the offenders will have their work cut out for them. They will need to modify their behavior or their partner will continue to respond in a negative manner and feel emotionally damaged as well.   It can also become particularly difficult for those who have been offended. They are the injured party and yet if they say something hurtful in return, they too are now responsible for ego repair and mending the relationship.   The offended persons are in a real bind. They are the ones who have been injured and yet cannot sit back and do nothing.

Of course, the next questions you probably have are - "What if I've told them and they don't hear me and don't change?" "What if one or both of us is feeling not heard and devalued in the relationship?"   These are legitimate and very important questions. Unfortunately, they are not easily answered.   The whole field of marriage/relationship counseling and YourMarriageCounselor.com is dedicated to relating to these questions.   There ARE answers and you will learn more about them as you read on, but there are no complete solutions. Remember though, that the goal is to find other strategies and if that is not possible, it is important not to make the situation worse.   Read through and complete the rating tool below to get an idea about the health of your relationship .   Additionally, the information on this website will provide you with some tools to begin working towards a fulfilling and healthy relationship.

Take this Quiz to test the strength of your relationship.  Click Here!