There are four essential keys to making a relationship work. The purpose of this article is to provide you with these fundamental ingredients, because the more we understand, the better our chances of having that special relationship that makes life worthwhile. Step 1:
People get married or make long-term commitments because they want to be affirmed, validated, and made to feel good about themselves. The guideline for all relationships is: Relationships go well when partners are making each other feel valued. Everything else flows from this core reality. When your partner says something that makes you feel valued, important and good about yourself, it is strengthening the relationship. In contrast, when your partner tears you down and says something that makes you feel badly (regardless of how immaterial it may seem), it is hurting the relationship. This is important information for couples and relationship counseling. This reality gives you a simple guideline for what you should be saying and doing to make your relationship solid. This doesn't mean you don't get upset or disagree but that you communicate these thoughts and feelings in a way that does not make your partner feel devalued.
-Making your partner feel good about him/herself in love and in warLove has different stages. First, comes the courting/honeymoon period, when couples have a high level of acceptance of each other. After the first few years however, love moves toward a more comfort/security period. This is when "the business of the relationship" (making money, taking care of the house, getting groceries) takes over and it becomes more task focused rather than individual focused. This is the time when couples must initiate new efforts to have a good time together (having dates) and focus on remembering why they love each other and what prompted them to make a long-term commitment. In each stage it is vital that couples focus on how they are going to make their partner feel good about themselves.
A particularly vulnerable time for relationships can be during disagreements and fights. These can occur
because of different points of view, something that one person forgets to do, or actions that are annoying, offensive, or hurtful. Fighting however, is an important part of a relationship. In fact, some good relationships are characterized by an on-going expression of differences. People in these relationships often say, "We fight all the time. We need to express ourselves and get our problems out in the open." The success of these couples though, is most likely due to the WAY that their "fighting" is done.
As discussed in the first key, when there is a fight or disagreement, neither partner should make negative statements that will make the other feel devalued. The conversation needs to focus on the specific issues at hand. It is especially helpful if you find something positive to say about your partner such as, "I know you want our home to look really nice, but I'm concerned about the expense" or, "I know how important it is to you to have a nice car, but I'm upset that it will put us into debt." Both of these examples state the area of disagreement but also acknowledge your partner in some way. People are different and their priorities vary. The goal here is to discuss the differences and be clear that while you do not agree with their priority, you respect it. Fights are dangerous however, because there is such a high possibility of saying hurtful things.
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