The Third Key
It is essential to understand that when you are frustrated or angry about an issue and repeat to your "meaningful other" something he/she already knows, it will have a negative effect on the relationship. Men in particular experience this as nagging. For example, restating the obvious with statements such as, "You have to do your taxes or you'll be in trouble" or "I told you we are lost, why didn't you ask for directions?" will often result in a counter attack or withdrawal into angry silence.
To help avoid these types of responses to your concerns, it is most important that you deal with your own feelings of frustration. A statement about your feelings and reactions rather than an accusatory statement about them is the ideal way to communicate this information. Let's go back to the statement, "You have to pay your taxes." This might be heard more positively by saying, "Do you want me to help you get some of your receipts together?" or "Do you want me to remind you about the deadline date with the taxes?"
An attempt to help with the solution rather than saying something that could be perceived as a criticism, gives the other person some control over future communications about the taxes. The more control people feel they have, the less defensive or angry their response is
likely to be.
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