The Fourth Key
A spin-off of making your partner feel worthwhile and another key element in making relationships work, is that verbal exchanges are non-judgmental. A judgmental type of communication often occurs when one partner is feeling hurt or angry. When we feel negatively judged by our significant other we feel diminished and devalued and the result is a defensive or passive aggressive response. We then stop listening and the argument/bad feelings are no longer about the original subject of discussion but are about "ego repair". We are really focused on trying to feel better about ourselves. These are the difficult times because negative statements cannot be taken back, even if we make an apology. It can take a great deal of repair work to fix the damage done by disparaging "ego" statements.
Remember, the mission of relationships/marriage is to make us feel good about ourselves.
Ego repair can be an extremely difficult task and the offenders will have their work cut out for them. They will need to modify their behavior or their partner will continue to respond in a negative manner and feel emotionally damaged as well. It can also become particularly difficult for those who have been offended. They are the injured party and yet if they say something hurtful in return, they too are now responsible for ego repair and mending the relationship. The offended persons are in a real bind. They are the ones who have been injured and yet cannot sit back and do nothing.
Of course, the next questions you probably have are - "What if I've told them and they don't hear me and don't change?" "What if one or both of us is feeling not heard and devalued in the relationship?" These are legitimate and very important questions. Unfortunately, they are not easily answered. The whole field of marriage/relationship counseling and YourMarriageCounselor.com is dedicated to relating to these questions. There ARE answers and you will learn more about them as you read on, but there are no complete solutions. Remember though, that the goal is to find other strategies and if that is not possible, it is important not to make the situation worse. Read through and complete the rating tool below to get an idea about the health of your relationship . Additionally, the information on this website will provide you with some tools to begin working towards a fulfilling and healthy relationship.
Take this Quiz to test the strength of your relationship. Click Here!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
What Every Relationship Must Have: Part 3 In a Series by Somerset NJ Counselor Marty Tashman
The Third Key
It is essential to understand that when you are frustrated or angry about an issue and repeat to your "meaningful other" something he/she already knows, it will have a negative effect on the relationship. Men in particular experience this as nagging. For example, restating the obvious with statements such as, "You have to do your taxes or you'll be in trouble" or "I told you we are lost, why didn't you ask for directions?" will often result in a counter attack or withdrawal into angry silence.
To help avoid these types of responses to your concerns, it is most important that you deal with your own feelings of frustration. A statement about your feelings and reactions rather than an accusatory statement about them is the ideal way to communicate this information. Let's go back to the statement, "You have to pay your taxes." This might be heard more positively by saying, "Do you want me to help you get some of your receipts together?" or "Do you want me to remind you about the deadline date with the taxes?"
An attempt to help with the solution rather than saying something that could be perceived as a criticism, gives the other person some control over future communications about the taxes. The more control people feel they have, the less defensive or angry their response is
likely to be.
Take this Quiz to test the strength of your relationship! Click Here
It is essential to understand that when you are frustrated or angry about an issue and repeat to your "meaningful other" something he/she already knows, it will have a negative effect on the relationship. Men in particular experience this as nagging. For example, restating the obvious with statements such as, "You have to do your taxes or you'll be in trouble" or "I told you we are lost, why didn't you ask for directions?" will often result in a counter attack or withdrawal into angry silence.
To help avoid these types of responses to your concerns, it is most important that you deal with your own feelings of frustration. A statement about your feelings and reactions rather than an accusatory statement about them is the ideal way to communicate this information. Let's go back to the statement, "You have to pay your taxes." This might be heard more positively by saying, "Do you want me to help you get some of your receipts together?" or "Do you want me to remind you about the deadline date with the taxes?"
An attempt to help with the solution rather than saying something that could be perceived as a criticism, gives the other person some control over future communications about the taxes. The more control people feel they have, the less defensive or angry their response is
likely to be.
Take this Quiz to test the strength of your relationship! Click Here
Friday, March 11, 2011
What Every Relationship Must Have: Part 2 In a Series by Somerset NJ Counselor Marty Tashman
The Second Key
In addition to feeling valued, it is key that your partner feel he/she has influence over you. That doesn't mean you must do everything your partner wants or agree on everything. It does mean though, that you believe you have been heard. Each of us wants to feel that a great deal of thought and weight is given to our perspective and that the other person takes our opinions seriously. Letting your partner know that you have given thought to what has been said can go a long way.
Statements such as, "I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I have been thinking a lot about what you said," or "even though I don't agree with you I think you are right about..." are much less likely to produce negative feelings in your partner. These statements don't mean you completely agree, but that you have given thought to your partner's opinions/ideas, that they are important to you and you have spent some time thinking about them.
Take this Quiz to test the strength of your relationship! Click Here
In addition to feeling valued, it is key that your partner feel he/she has influence over you. That doesn't mean you must do everything your partner wants or agree on everything. It does mean though, that you believe you have been heard. Each of us wants to feel that a great deal of thought and weight is given to our perspective and that the other person takes our opinions seriously. Letting your partner know that you have given thought to what has been said can go a long way.
Statements such as, "I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I have been thinking a lot about what you said," or "even though I don't agree with you I think you are right about..." are much less likely to produce negative feelings in your partner. These statements don't mean you completely agree, but that you have given thought to your partner's opinions/ideas, that they are important to you and you have spent some time thinking about them.
Take this Quiz to test the strength of your relationship! Click Here
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
What Every Relationship Must Have: Part 1 In a Series by Somerset NJ Counselor Marty Tashman
There are four essential keys to making a relationship work. The purpose of this article is to provide you with these fundamental ingredients, because the more we understand, the better our chances of having that special relationship that makes life worthwhile. Step 1:
People get married or make long-term commitments because they want to be affirmed, validated, and made to feel good about themselves. The guideline for all relationships is: Relationships go well when partners are making each other feel valued. Everything else flows from this core reality. When your partner says something that makes you feel valued, important and good about yourself, it is strengthening the relationship. In contrast, when your partner tears you down and says something that makes you feel badly (regardless of how immaterial it may seem), it is hurting the relationship. This is important information for couples and relationship counseling. This reality gives you a simple guideline for what you should be saying and doing to make your relationship solid. This doesn't mean you don't get upset or disagree but that you communicate these thoughts and feelings in a way that does not make your partner feel devalued.
-Making your partner feel good about him/herself in love and in warLove has different stages. First, comes the courting/honeymoon period, when couples have a high level of acceptance of each other. After the first few years however, love moves toward a more comfort/security period. This is when "the business of the relationship" (making money, taking care of the house, getting groceries) takes over and it becomes more task focused rather than individual focused. This is the time when couples must initiate new efforts to have a good time together (having dates) and focus on remembering why they love each other and what prompted them to make a long-term commitment. In each stage it is vital that couples focus on how they are going to make their partner feel good about themselves.
A particularly vulnerable time for relationships can be during disagreements and fights. These can occur
because of different points of view, something that one person forgets to do, or actions that are annoying, offensive, or hurtful. Fighting however, is an important part of a relationship. In fact, some good relationships are characterized by an on-going expression of differences. People in these relationships often say, "We fight all the time. We need to express ourselves and get our problems out in the open." The success of these couples though, is most likely due to the WAY that their "fighting" is done.
As discussed in the first key, when there is a fight or disagreement, neither partner should make negative statements that will make the other feel devalued. The conversation needs to focus on the specific issues at hand. It is especially helpful if you find something positive to say about your partner such as, "I know you want our home to look really nice, but I'm concerned about the expense" or, "I know how important it is to you to have a nice car, but I'm upset that it will put us into debt." Both of these examples state the area of disagreement but also acknowledge your partner in some way. People are different and their priorities vary. The goal here is to discuss the differences and be clear that while you do not agree with their priority, you respect it. Fights are dangerous however, because there is such a high possibility of saying hurtful things.
Take this Quiz to test the strength of your relationship! Click Here
People get married or make long-term commitments because they want to be affirmed, validated, and made to feel good about themselves. The guideline for all relationships is: Relationships go well when partners are making each other feel valued. Everything else flows from this core reality. When your partner says something that makes you feel valued, important and good about yourself, it is strengthening the relationship. In contrast, when your partner tears you down and says something that makes you feel badly (regardless of how immaterial it may seem), it is hurting the relationship. This is important information for couples and relationship counseling. This reality gives you a simple guideline for what you should be saying and doing to make your relationship solid. This doesn't mean you don't get upset or disagree but that you communicate these thoughts and feelings in a way that does not make your partner feel devalued.
-Making your partner feel good about him/herself in love and in warLove has different stages. First, comes the courting/honeymoon period, when couples have a high level of acceptance of each other. After the first few years however, love moves toward a more comfort/security period. This is when "the business of the relationship" (making money, taking care of the house, getting groceries) takes over and it becomes more task focused rather than individual focused. This is the time when couples must initiate new efforts to have a good time together (having dates) and focus on remembering why they love each other and what prompted them to make a long-term commitment. In each stage it is vital that couples focus on how they are going to make their partner feel good about themselves.
A particularly vulnerable time for relationships can be during disagreements and fights. These can occur
because of different points of view, something that one person forgets to do, or actions that are annoying, offensive, or hurtful. Fighting however, is an important part of a relationship. In fact, some good relationships are characterized by an on-going expression of differences. People in these relationships often say, "We fight all the time. We need to express ourselves and get our problems out in the open." The success of these couples though, is most likely due to the WAY that their "fighting" is done.
As discussed in the first key, when there is a fight or disagreement, neither partner should make negative statements that will make the other feel devalued. The conversation needs to focus on the specific issues at hand. It is especially helpful if you find something positive to say about your partner such as, "I know you want our home to look really nice, but I'm concerned about the expense" or, "I know how important it is to you to have a nice car, but I'm upset that it will put us into debt." Both of these examples state the area of disagreement but also acknowledge your partner in some way. People are different and their priorities vary. The goal here is to discuss the differences and be clear that while you do not agree with their priority, you respect it. Fights are dangerous however, because there is such a high possibility of saying hurtful things.
Take this Quiz to test the strength of your relationship! Click Here
Monday, March 7, 2011
Five Good Reasons to End A Marriage - But Future Happiness May Be More Likely If Marriage is Saved
As a therapist I commonly hear some of the following reasons for wanting to get a divorce:
1) We've drifted apart. We just don't seem to have anything in common anymore
2) The romance is gone. We don't cuddle, hold hands, give gifts, or do things just because.
3) I still love him (her), I'm just not in love any more.
4) We've both changed so much. He (she) just isn't the same person I married 17 years ago.
5) He (she) just gets on my last nerve with little irritating habits. I bring these up, but he (she) just won't change.
Certainly all of the above can be distractive of a relationship, and can result in feelings of hopelessness and despair. But a good argument can be made that these can be reasonably easy to overcome with some work, and some outside help.
What are the five big issues that are much more difficult to resolve, and sometimes create an immediate need to separate or divorce?
1. At the top of the list is physical abuse and its close partner, emotional abuse. If you are in a relationship where either of these are occurring, I recommend that you remove yourself and children from the household immediately, and potentially seek legal protection.
2. Substance abuse is a close second. Where one spouse is addicted to a substance such as alcohol, drugs, sex, or gambling, and if that addiction is leading to destructive behavior that is damaging the family, separation is recommended.
3. Adultery of any kind, but especially if long term or repeated, should result in separation. Even where the offense is a one-time event and unlikely to be repeated, it may be better for the relationship to create a temporary separation.
4. Failure to provide or participate in shared responsibilities. In most relationships there are expectations of who will work, who will clean, and who will change the diapers. Where on party has stopped holding up their end of the bargain, and appear unlikely to resume, a "time out" may be the best thing.
5. Abandonment is the final item. While it may seem obvious that when one partner has left the home, formal separation and divorce are the next natural steps, there is more to the picture. One need not leave the house to abandon the relationship. When the physical or emotional abandonment is so complete that there is little evidence of the partner being a part of the relationship, that is still abandonment.
With regard to the top five, I have had countless examples of families who are faced with one or more of these, and after counseling at Your Marriage Counselor, they have resolved the underlying problems and restored the marriage to excellent health. Therefore, just because your situation sounds like one of the top five, it is not an automatic reason to give up.
With regard to both the top five and the other list at the top of this article, recent studies have shown that couples who hung in there and got help can have an excellent marriage in the future. In fact five years after being in even a very bad marriage, 80% of those who stayed together called their marriage "happy."
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Let Dr. Marty Tashman Help You Get Through The Holiday Season with Three Helpful Stress-Reducing Steps: Step 3
The Final Step 3: The Right Behavior
The holiday season can be full of stress and anxiety for many. In order to combat this impending anxiety, Dr. Marty Tashman of Somerset New Jersey has developed a three-part method in which he calls “FAB” which stands for Feelings-Attitude-Behavior.
Handling difficult issues well involves engaging in the right behavior.
Here is his third and final step for combating stress in this three part series:
The Third Step - Behavior (action)
Dr Tashman suggests 5 different strategies in adjusting your behavior:
Strategy #1 Plan With Your Partner
“For example, You are concerned about visiting in-laws….Behavior Plan with your partner”, Tashman suggests.
“If you are worried about your parents or in-laws talk things over with your partner. Anticipate possible problems and come up with a game plan.
Plan how you are you going to handle things if there is a problem”
Dr. Tashman even offers a helpful tip: “Whenever possible each person should take the lead in handling problems in their family, that is if there are in-law problems, ask your partner to help you out and run interference for you with their side of the family”
Strategy #2 Re-evaluate Traditions
The next example for which Dr Marty Tashman adds insight is if you just have too much to do.
“Evaluate the traditions you are trying to arrange and ask yourself if the old traditions are too expensive: emotionally, financially, or in terms of the time necessary to set up or to do something. Think about the possibility of starting new traditions.
Talk with people you trust and see what you can come up with.
Remember about those conversations in your head and also about getting yourself in a positive mood”
Strategy #3 Rehearsal
“Imagine things working out well in your head. Go into as much detail as you can regarding the issue you’re concerned about and think how it will play out with a positive tone,” Tashman adds.
Strategy #4 Mini- Meditations
The next strategy Tashman discusses is a situation in which “You have too much to do and are feeling overwhelmed”
His plan of attack is to “take 2 minutes out and sit quietly, listen to soft music, or have a cup of tea. By just breaking the frantic pace you can improve your state of mind and you may even be more efficient. Remember that sometimes going too fast means making more mistakes”
Strategy # 5 – Finding Happiness
“I have three ways of defining happiness:
(1) The distance between our positive expectations and our reality.
So to make yourself happy – develop expectations that are realistic and then spend some time thinking about what it will be like when you experience them.
Tip: Be as specific as possible when setting those expectations. For example: Picture yourself having a great meal with people that you love and love you.
Think about what the conversation will be and hear the laughter in your head, enjoy the taste of the food and think about how nice it will feel to eat with the special people in your life.
(2) Happiness is enjoying the moment.
When you are doing things to get ready for the holiday, see if you can enjoy the process; as you are running errands in your car listen to music that you like and enjoy having the time on your own to hear or even sing with the music.
(3) Happiness can be positive anticipation.
Think about the things you are looking forward to and that you enjoy rather than thinking about how rushed you are. Notice how much time is spent with the negative thoughts/feelings and how much is spent with positive ones.”
On Making All Of This Work
“The main variable as to whether any of these ideas will work is your level of motivation to have a happy successful holiday. There is a big difference between liking the idea and being truly driven to work on it,” Tashman adds.
Here’s how you can tell the difference, on a scale of 1 – 10 ask yourself:
How motivated am I to change?
Here is what it takes to really change
(1) Be willing to spend a little time on a daily basis following the above suggestions
(2) Have a positive attitude and start from a position that at least some of these ideas can work for you.”
You can reach your marriage counselor Dr. Marty Tashman at:
(732)246-8484
www.YourMarriageCounselor.com
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Let Dr. Marty Tashman Help You Get Through The Holiday Season with Three Helpful Stress-Reducing Steps: Step 2
Step 2: Being in the Right Mood
The holiday season can be full of stress and anxiety for many. In order to combat this impending anxiety, Dr. Marty Tashman of Somerset New Jersey has developed a three-part method in which he calls “FAB” which stands for Feelings-Attitude-Behavior.
Handling difficult issues well involves being in the right mood.
Here is his second step for combating stress in this three part series:
The Second Step – Feelings (your mood)
Dr. Tashman suggests asking yourself if you are: frantic, self-judgmental, angry, upset, or frustrated.
“The goal here is to get yourself in the right frame of mind, getting yourself to feel good about your efforts, calm yourself down, and to be optimistic about how things are going to work out.”
“You will enjoy your holiday a lot more if you can get yourself in the right frame of mind.”
He offers the following techniques to help your mood:
1) Mindfulness:
“Begin by noticing how you are feeling. Ask yourself: “Am I speeding?”; “Am I having negative conversations in my head?” If you are speeding make a deliberate effort to slow yourself down; if you are have a negative conversation work on developing positive self talk or affirmations”
Affirmations:
Dr. Tashman suggests that this strategy isn’t for everyone.
“If you are a skeptic or want to see proof that something will be successful, you will not be impressed with this approach. For those of you that will take things on good faith- here it goes.
The people who believe in affirmations say that your brain and attitude is like a computer, if you put positive things in you get positive things out. You decide if this makes sense to you.
(2) Take a few minutes out to take some deep breaths and slow your body down.
(3) Do something just for you.
(4) Promise yourself a reward if you complete a task.
(5) Think about a positive outcome of the task you are doing”
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