Let Dr. Marty Tashman Help You Get Through The Holiday Season with Three Helpful Stress-Reducing Steps: Step 3

The Final Step 3: The Right Behavior

The holiday season can be full of stress and anxiety for many.  In order to combat this impending anxiety, Dr. Marty Tashman of Somerset New Jersey has developed a three-part method in which he calls “FAB” which stands for Feelings-Attitude-Behavior.

Handling difficult issues well involves engaging in the right behavior.

Here is his third and final step for combating stress in this three part series:

The Third Step - Behavior (action)

Dr Tashman suggests 5 different strategies in adjusting your behavior:

Strategy #1 Plan With Your Partner

“For example, You are concerned about visiting in-laws….Behavior Plan with your partner”, Tashman suggests. 

“If you are worried about your parents or in-laws talk things over with your partner.  Anticipate possible problems and come up with a game plan.

Plan how you are you going to handle things if there is a problem”

Dr. Tashman even offers a helpful tip: “Whenever possible each person should take the lead in handling problems in their family, that is if there are in-law problems, ask your partner to help you out and run interference for you with their side of the family”

Strategy #2 Re-evaluate Traditions

The next example for which Dr Marty Tashman adds insight is if you just have too much to do. 

“Evaluate the traditions you are trying to arrange and ask yourself if the old traditions are too expensive: emotionally, financially, or in terms of the time necessary to set up or to do something.  Think about the possibility of starting new traditions.

Talk with people you trust and see what you can come up with.

Remember about those conversations in your head and also about getting yourself in a positive mood”

Strategy #3 Rehearsal

“Imagine things working out well in your head.  Go into as much detail as you can regarding the issue you’re concerned about and think how it will play out with a positive tone,” Tashman adds.

Strategy #4 Mini- Meditations

The next strategy Tashman discusses is a situation in which “You have too much to do and are feeling overwhelmed”

His plan of attack is to “take 2 minutes out and sit quietly, listen to soft music, or have a cup of tea.  By just breaking the frantic pace you can improve your state of mind and you may even be more efficient. Remember that sometimes going too fast means making more mistakes”

Strategy # 5 – Finding Happiness

“I have three ways of defining happiness:

(1) The distance between our positive expectations and our reality.

So to make yourself happy – develop expectations that are realistic and then spend some time thinking about what it will be like when you experience them.

Tip: Be as specific as possible when setting those expectations. For example: Picture yourself having a great meal with people that you love and love you.

Think about what the conversation will be and hear the laughter in your head, enjoy the taste of the food and think about how nice it will feel to eat with the special people in your life.

(2) Happiness is enjoying the moment.

When you are doing things to get ready for the holiday, see if you can enjoy the process; as you are running errands in your car listen to music that you like and enjoy having the time on your own to hear or even sing with the music.

(3) Happiness can be positive anticipation.

Think about the things you are looking forward to and that you enjoy rather than thinking about how rushed you are.  Notice how much time is spent with the negative thoughts/feelings and how much is spent with positive ones.”

On Making All Of This Work

“The main variable as to whether any of these ideas will work is your level of motivation to have a happy successful holiday.  There is a big difference between liking the idea and being truly driven to work on it,” Tashman adds.     

Here’s how you can tell the difference, on a scale of 1 – 10 ask yourself:

How motivated am I to change?

Here is what it takes to really change

(1)           Be willing to spend a little time  on a daily basis following the above suggestions

(2)           Have a positive attitude and start from a position that at least some of these ideas can work for you.”

You can reach your marriage counselor Dr. Marty Tashman at:     

  Drmarty@comcast.net

(732)246-8484

www.YourMarriageCounselor.com

Let Dr. Marty Tashman Help You Get Through The Holiday Season with Three Helpful Stress-Reducing Steps: Step 2

Step 2: Being in the Right Mood

The holiday season can be full of stress and anxiety for many.  In order to combat this impending anxiety, Dr. Marty Tashman of Somerset New Jersey has developed a three-part method in which he calls “FAB” which stands for Feelings-Attitude-Behavior.

Handling difficult issues well involves being in the right mood.

Here is his second step for combating stress in this three part series:

The Second Step – Feelings (your mood)

Dr. Tashman suggests asking yourself if you are: frantic, self-judgmental, angry, upset, or frustrated. 

“The goal here is to get yourself in the right frame of mind, getting yourself to feel good about your efforts, calm yourself down, and to be optimistic about how things are going to work out.” 

“You will enjoy your holiday a lot more if you can get yourself in the right frame of mind.”

He offers the following techniques to help your mood:

1)           Mindfulness:

“Begin by noticing how you are feeling. Ask yourself: “Am I speeding?”; “Am I having negative conversations in my head?” If you are speeding make a deliberate effort to slow yourself down; if you are have a negative conversation work on developing positive self talk or affirmations”

Affirmations:

Dr. Tashman suggests that this strategy isn’t for everyone.

 “If you are a skeptic or want to see proof that something will be successful, you will not be impressed with this approach.  For those of you that will take things on good faith- here it goes.

The people who believe in affirmations say that your brain and attitude is like a computer, if you put positive things in you get positive things out.  You decide if this makes sense to you.

(2)  Take a few minutes out to take some deep breaths and slow your body down.

(3)   Do something just for you.

(4)  Promise yourself a reward if you complete a task.

      (5)  Think about a positive outcome of the task you are doing”

Let Dr. Marty Tashman Help You Get Through The Holiday Season with 3 Helpful Stress-Reducing Steps: Step 1

Step 1: The Right Attitude 

The holiday season can be full of stress and anxiety for many.  In order to combat this impending anxiety, Dr. Marty Tashman of Somerset New Jersey has developed a three-part method in which he calls “FAB” which stands for Feelings-Attitude-Behavior.

Handling difficult issues well involves having the right attitude.

Dr. Tashman wishes to emphasize that although this method is a good one to adopt in everyday living, “if you are having severe personal problems in your life, or with your partner, or family, you will need help applying the strategies that I’m going to show you.  It can help a little bit, but making these techniques work in very troubles situations, you may need in-person counseling to make them effective.”

As long as this is understood here is his first step for combating stress in this three part series:

The First Step - Attitude

Dr. Tashman first recommends taking a look at your attitude, and by that he means “what are the conversations going on in your head like? Do you make everything do or die?  Are you telling yourself “I’ll never get this done”? Or do you say to yourself “This is too much for me”; or “I can’t do this”.

The first step is listening to what you are telling yourself.

Think about what you could say in answer to yourself. 

Some examples that answer the above sentences are:

“I’ll do the best I can.”; “I don’t have to be perfect”. “This (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years) is only one day. “I’ll do a little at a time.”

“Not doing everything isn’t the end of the world”

Notice the story you are telling yourself about what is going on.  Does the story have a happy ending or a catastrophic one?

After all, if you can’t win the conversation battle in your head you won’t win it in the outside world.

Help Getting Through a Difficult Holiday Season

We are told that this is suppose to be the happiest time of the year but no one tells us that this is can be the most stressful time of the year.

Let's see what we can do together to at least reduce the bad feelings and possibly enjoy the good ones for ourselves and our loved ones.

I have a mini 30 minute counseling session, (which we can do in person or over the phone) when we will discuss issues related to the holidays. I will give you ideas of how to handle difficult situations that occur during these times.

Some examples of things we can talk about are :

* Struggling with finances.
* Coping with relatives.
* Couples' problems.
* Children being affected by the difficulty you are
having with the holidays.
* Loneliness

If you would like help getting through the holidays please call me at (732)246-8484 or go to:
http://www.yourmarriagecounselor.com/dr-martys-library/help-getting-through-a-difficult-holiday-season/

Happy Holidays,

Take care,
Dr. Marty

drmarty@comcast.net
http://www.yourmarriagecounselor.com

Somerset NJ Marriage Counselor Dr Marty Discusses HypnosisPlus.com

Losing Weight Through Hypnosis or Emotional Freedom Technique - Central NJ Therapist Dr Tashman

This video will talk about how loose weight using hypnosis
and Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT). We have offices in Central NJ, including Somerset, NJ. Reach Dr. Marty Tashman by calling 732-246-8484 or email DrMarty@Comcast.net

Sommerset NJ Marriage Counselor Discusses Jump Start Program for Saving Your Marriage

If you: * are at the brink of ending your relationship. * can't seem to have a discussion with your partner without it ending up in anger. * love your partner but really don't like them.

If you can relate to the any of the three statements above, and
want the best chance or maybe your last chance at turning things
around consider "The Intensive Jumpstart Session".

"The Intensive Jumpstart Session" is a two hour meeting which
can be used to: * go far more deeply into the issues than you would during an initial single meeting. * learn techniques to handle the anger, hurt and hostility that has developed from your incompatibility. * improve your communication with your partner. * understand and redirect the anger & resentment that has developed over a long period of time.

The "The Intensive Jumpstart Session" can make an important difference in getting counseling off to a positive start when time and patience are running out on both sides. We can work on issues that are causing the biggest problems, and tackle them first, and still have time to move along quickly to issues surrounding them.

I have found over the years that these intensive counseling sessions with couples have proven to create a deeper connection over a shorter period of time.

Somerset NJ Marriage Counselor Dr Marty Discusses Infidelity

Dealing with infidelity is one of the most devastating experiences that a couple will ever face. Unfortunately, it is all to common in our society. It is estimated that between 20 and 40% of all marriages have to deal with some form of unfaithfulness.

To help you if you are facing these issues I have included 4 articles that will give you some ideas about this painful area.

1. Early Warning Signs of Infidelity

2. What To Do After Infidelity Has Been Discovered

3. Seven Steps For Healing Infidelity

4. Additional Resources for Dealing with Infidelity

Anger and Fighting Top Threat to Thriving Relationships Says Somerset NJ Counslor Marty Tashman

In a previous blog post, I sighted Anger and Fighting as first on my list of things that stand in the way of having a thriving relationship with our loved ones.

How well do we fight with each other?  Do our fights leave scars that are not easily forgotten or don’t heal at all.

How well do we handle our partner’s anger and our own?  Often times, I will have someone come to me because their partner feels so overwhelmed by their anger that they tell me that they just don’t want to be together any longer.

A question we should really ask ourselves is “What do we hope to accomplish by having this anger?”  Some people believe that it might make the other person change, they may want them to feel the hurt and pain as they do, or even try and control them.

What many people hope is that if the other person knows how angry they are maybe they’ll be different, or maybe they will apologize. Again, it is unusual that heart felt remorse comes from anger. What usually happens is that anger makes the other person more distant, angrier, or just fed up with the situation.

A place to start getting results would be from a calm, secure place that doesn’t attack the other person.  What we often do is blame them.  I have found that blame always generates more anger and counter accusations which only hurts communication. 

When we are angry we need to realize that no matter what the other person does we are responsible for our own anger..  A place to start is to complete the sentence “I am allowing “Jane” to make me angry by telling myself ….. .  Jane may have done the wrong thing but our anger probably won’t change Jane’s behavior or even what she said to you. 

We not only make ourselves angry but in some ways we decide how long we will be angry.  We tell ourselves “I will never forget / forgive Jack for ……,,

It is important to realize that anger hurts the one who holds on to it more than it hurts the person we are angry at.  It takes up our energy, makes us negative, and can even cause us to have physical health problems

How to Find a Good Marriage Counselor in Central New Jersey

What Will Be Covered During Marriage Counseling

I. How To Influence Your Partner.
II. What Causes Most Fights.
III. How To Talk To Your Partner, So that they will really hear you.
IV. Standing Up For Your Self.
V. What to Do When You are Unhappy with How Your Partner is Treating You or with what they are doing
VI. 6 Steps to Getting Together After A Fight.
VII. Improving Your Friendship and Creating Your Future.

Central NJ Marriage Counselor Offers "Thriving Relationship" Test

This article is going to be the first of a series of articles, we will take a look at what some of the problems are.  In the future, I will talk about how to handle these issues effectively.

Let’s start off with a quick test about what you think are the main challenges in order to maintain a good relationship.

Check the issue(s) that you think are stopping you from having a thriving relationship.

Is it learning how to agree on finances?
    
Is it your lack of sexual intimacy?

Is it extended family issues?

Is it falling out of love?

The correct answer is actually none of the above. Yet all of these are issues that couples may struggle with but they are only the symptoms not what I call the “Core Issues”.

In this series, I will discuss the six “Core Issues” which I have listed below:

1. Anger and fighting.
2. Good times.
3. Trust.
4. Communication.
5. Making your partner feel good about him/herself in love and in war.
6.  Defensiveness vs. openness.

More about each of these later.

Learn a little about our Practice here in Somerset New Jersey

Locations

Offices in or near Middlesex, Somerset, Morris, Essex, Bergen, Union, Camden and Burlington counties, as well as Northern Gloucester. Phone counseling sessions locally and across the country.

Call 1-888-281-5850 for more information.